Care to Join Me in Celebrating National Etiquette Week?

That's right, this is National Etiquette Week . . . and, yes, there apparently is a week for everything! In addition to being National Better Hearing & Speech Month and National Salad Month and National Salsa Month (I guess that's a double celebration if you're having a taco salad), May also includes the following week-long celebrations (this list is far from inclusive):

• Bread Pudding Recipe Exchange Week (which proves fact is stranger than fiction)
• National Wildflower Week
• Salute to Mom's 35+ Week (I'm guessing only young looking 45ish moms participate in this)
• National Safe Boating Week
• Nursing / Tourism / Stay at Home Moms / Drinking Water / International Whistler's / etc. Week!

So, I have mixed feelings about National Etiquette Week because there are so many 'weeks' that there is little significance. And, mainly, having a designated week implies that etiquette will not be in the forefront of our lives the remaining 51 weeks. And what should one do if N.E.W. overlaps a special daily celebration? For instance, did you celebrate Robert's Rules of Order Day May 3 - I think that should fall during N.E.W. - after all Robert is all about politeness.

However, since this is the official week to celebrate Etiquette (that's right, with a capital E), I wanted to share a few thoughts. My etiquette credentials are from the Emily Post Institute and I have a soft spot for Emily. Although she passed away more than 40 years ago, her work lives on. Today the Emily Post Institute authors etiquette guides for children, adults, weddings, golf, and other aspects of modern life and you will breeze through every situation politely with the standard, blue etiquette book (now in its 17th edition . . . which says it all).

I love the poster below; it's a London Underground message from 1918 and really captures the essence of etiquette with the last sentence and the word selfish. It's so simple - etiquette is not being selfish. Putting the feelings or needs of others before your own - common courtesies sometimes, bigger sacrifices other times. Regardless, the message hasn't changed - don't be selfish!
I like these transport posters because being in crowded public spaces often brings out the rudester in us all . . . as this 1944 poster reveals:

And there's something oddly reassuring when you discover that rude behavior isn't new - rude people are like the poor, always with us. The goal for us, therefore, is to rise above the unmannered fray and keep our polite cool in even the most trying times!

So that's my message about etiquette this week. You all know the rules and we can talk about nuances another day. For now, enjoy these etiquette words of wisdom from the witty, pithy, clever Miss Manners.

Accepting discomfort cheerfully is the basic rule of picnic behavior. If one is unalterably opposed to being bitten, sunburnt, and having sand mixed with one's food, one should not go picnicking.

In response to a query regarding the proper way to address wedding gifts:
The custom is to address all prewedding presents to the bride-to-be, and those sent after the marriage to the couple. Nowadays some people may take offense at this, as a sign of inequality. Nowadays some people will take offense at anything. However, sending people presents goes a long way toward mitigating any offense.

People who boast that they "never apologize, never explain" or who claim that "love is never having to say you're sorry" ought to be ashamed of themselves and admit it and ask forgiveness.

Etiquette: It Started In the Garden

No, I don't mean the Garden of Eden. Although perhaps there are some etiquette issues there with the apple and the serpent and . . . well, you can draw your own conclusions. I'm talking about the concept of etiquette and the origin of the word itself.

And of course, no one can pinpoint the moment when informal etiquette arose - perhaps when a caveman offered his cave-mate the choicest morsel of woolly mammoth, thus setting an example followed to this day. What we do know is that formal etiquette originated in the French royal court in the 16th and 17th centuries. (Another day we'll talk about the year 1669 - when dining knives lost their points!)

But, back to France and specifically to the Palace of Versailles. Louis XIV’s gardener posted signs, or tickets (etiquettes), telling people to keep off the newly seeded lawns; the courtiers ignored these signs until the King issued an edict commanding everyone to “keep within the etiquettes” and the modern term was born.

Today most public gardens have similar signs, although the penalties for breaking the rules is less severe.

So, have a seat on this cozy bench and think about garden etiquette and I'll join you tomorrow to continue this chat.

5 Etiquette Questions That Can Be Answered "No"*

Last summer, when this blog was just a baby, I posted a list of etiquette questions that can be answered "yes". This has been a popular post and I often get e-mails about it which led me to today's post of etiquette questions that can be answered "no".

1. Is it too late to send a thank-you note for a gift received three months ago?
   
   
   
2. Is it rude to not answer a nosy question?
   
   
   
3. When being introduced to someone, is it rude to ask the person to repeat his/her name?
   
   
   
4. If you drop your fork on the floor while dining in a restaurant, should you pick it up?
   
   
   
5. If you have something inedible in your mouth (bone, gristle, etc.), should you put it in your napkin?
   

And remember, etiquette makes life easier every day - whether you're a guest at a State Dinner or going about your normal life. Wishing you a polite day . . .


*There are exceptions to all rules and in a few isolated cases these questions may be answered with a "Yes" or "Maybe". Generally, these exceptions involve emergencies, crazy people, close friends/relatives, or all of the above.

Sick People - Share the Love, Not the Germs!

According to the Center for Disease Control's FluView, 41 states have widespread influenza activity and the proportion of deaths attributed to pneumonia and influenza (P&I) is above the epidemic threshold. While the 6 o'clock news may be wrong to hype this as a pandemic, it is serious. So, what can you do? No, this isn't a discussion about the merits of vaccination - I'm not your doctor or your mother so I'm not chiming in on that topic. But, as a member of the population at large I do have some advice: Stay Home When You're Sick!

It sounds so simple, but apparently it's not. Over the past few weeks I've been bombarded with questions about 'flu etiquette' and stories about the rude sick people who have been spreading their germs in pubic places. So here's the answer and it's really simple - put on your 'good citizen hat' and think about how many people you're exposing to your illness by going to public places, then decide to stay at home. That's it - it's not rocket science. It's third grade common sense. It isn't new advice, either. Check out this poster from the 1918 influenza epidemic (from the State Library of NC):

Most companies discourage employees coming to work while sick and yet there are always those people who think they have to drag themselves in coughing and sneezing . . . and for what? To show how dedicated you are? Because you blew all your sick time on 'mental health days'? You don't want to use your paid time off for sick days when you could save it for vacation? Or, you really think the company will fail if you're out for a few days? None of these reasons is valid for the H1N1 virus, so please do us (and yourself) a favor and stay away. And bosses - don't just say you want employees to miss work if they're sick, and then use some passive aggressive tactics to show your displeasure when they return. Plan ahead because it's inevitable that your company will be affected by this before the season is over and if you think your employees will take advantage, then consider hiring less devious people.

On a less rant-y note - I've had lots of questions about handshakes during flu season. Is it okay to have a No Handshake Policy? Yes, that's a great way to avoid germs and in fact is becoming quite the norm. Yesterday someone even asked what I thought about replacing the handshake with a fist bump . . . personally, I think the fist bump is about as adult as the pinky handshake or high five. So why not just omit the handshake and leave it at that.

If you want more details about H1N1, visit the CDC website (where you'll notice they recommend coughing and sneezing into a tissue and not your sleeve which is what one of our local news stations recommends - Yuck!). Stay well!

The Best Laid Schemes of Mice and Men . . .

We all know what Robert Burns - and even John Steinbeck - thought happened to the best laid plans. Well, it's not just the plans of mice and men that "gang aft a-gley". How many times have you been involved in a group or team project that starts out organized and controlled and ends up taking on a life of its own? When I work with corporate clients, there are always complaints about the Group Gift and, to a lesser extent, the Group Card. (You were probably expecting me to talk about the 'work' of the group, but it's the little things like gifts and cards that cause dissent and unrest . . .)




Nothing raises the hackles of people faster than the person who doesn't contribute money for the gift, but signs the card. We've all been there - haven't we? Whether the group consists of co-workers, neighbors, friends, parents - it doesn't matter, the dynamics are always the same - one beleaguered person ends up buying the gift/card, most people pay their share right away, one or two have to be reminded before they pay, and the non-payer's name mysteriously ends up on the card anyway. And there are variations on this theme - hogging the card with your giant signature or long message (as seen above in The Argyle Sweater*), disparities in the amounts contributed (maybe I can only afford $5, but those who paid $20 are a bit miffed at me), and so on.

So, what's a group to do? In the limited space of this blog, I can suggest one basic strategy: anticipate the problem. Begin Project Group Gift with a plan - two cards, one for those who participate in the gift and one for those who just want to voice their well wishes (this actually helps the recipient who may only send thank-yous to the gift givers). Also, discuss the gift the group wants to buy and use that as a guide for contributions - each person contributes the same amount. For Project Group Card - have everyone else sign before the 'John Hancock' of the group. In other words, you can't do the same thing repeatedly and expect different results (yes, I know Einstein said it first!) - if you want the focus to remain on the recipient, eliminate the problems up front. The flip side of this is to have realistic expectations - the new employee who has not met the expectant mother should not be pressured into contributing to a gift or shower.

For those of you lucky enough to live/work/play with generous-minded, easy-going people this may seem like a silly discussion, but I can't count the times I've been asked about this problem. And, in desperation, some people have wanted the 'etiquette okay' to address these issues with some fairly rude solutions (like noting the percentage of contributions on the card - no, not making that up!). There are no set answers for these sticky situations - just remember the bigger goal is to have a great relationship with others in the group going forward. Just be considerate and try to overlook the daily annoyances . . . I'd love to hear your tales or woe - or triumph - in similar situations.

* Many, many thanks to Scott Hilburn for allowing me to share his very funny comic with you. If your local paper doesn't carry The Argyle Sweater, check out the archives on his website. Once you see how clever and pithy these cartoons are, you'll want your local paper to carry them. And, for readers in the Chicago area, if you're missing your regular dose of TAS in the Tribune, join the campaign to reinstate it by e-mailing Geoff Brown, Features Editor at gfbrown@tribune.com .

A Not-So-Gentle Etiquette Reminder - Yeah, You in the Next Car!

It's hard to believe this discussion is necessary, but, believe me, it is. From my own observations and the many comments I've heard regarding this, many drivers forget that they are in public when driving. You see people doing all sorts of things in their cars that: 1) shouldn't be done while driving (two first-hand examples pop into my head - texting and eating corn on the cob - no, I'm not kidding), or 2) shouldn't be done in public (flossing & picking your teeth, PDAs*, etc.), or 3) shouldn't be done at all (picking your nose - carry some tissues in your car, people!).

Do people think they're invisible because they're in a car? Do they think other motorists - not to mention the unfortunate passengers who are probably only pretending to sleep - don't notice? Or do they just not care? The rule is - if you would be embarrassed to do whatever it is in a group of people, then don't do it in your car, because [surprise] you are in a group of people. (Okay, so I made that rule up, but it's a good one and I wish more people would adopt it!)

While we're on the topic of cars, I wanted to share a few photos of The Glitter Car:

You have to enlarge the photos to get a better idea of how glittery this car is - in bright sunlight the sparkles seem to dance as you drive past. It belongs to a nice young man named Anthony who agreed to let us photograph it for my blog. He works at a cafe that we drive past several times per week and on sunny days it is spectacular - I've never seen a car so glittery. Normally I wouldn't say I'm a fan of sparkly cars or of cars in general, but this one always makes me smile. It's too bad the camera can't capture the glittery movement . . . but, it's like most art, you need to experience it in person to get the full effect.

So, remember, when you're out driving mind your manners! People are watching - and if you can't resist the bad behaviors get yourself a sparkly car that will distract from what's going on inside.

*PDA = Public Displays of Affection

Do You Zig-Zag When You Eat?

If you're American, the answer is likely 'yes'. Zig-zag refers to the American style of dining - when you shift the fork to your left hand while cutting with the knife in the right hand. Of course, then you place the knife back on the plate and shift the fork back to the right hand. This is the correct way in the US. The other often-seen method is called Continental, as in the Continent (Europe). There are slight differences in Continental dining in various countries, but, these nuances aside, the basic way is to hold the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right. And when I say 'hold', I mean through the whole meal - none of the American-style hands in the lap between bites.

I'm often asked which way is correct and the answer is either way. Today I want to talk just a bit about the American/Zig-Zag style, as that's how most of us eat. What do we need to know when using this style? Based on the dining questions I'm asked most often, here are some guidelines:

• Don't butter a whole piece of bread and bite it. Break one bite at a time and butter it - put the butter knife down and eat it. Repeat. I think biscuits are the exception, especially when they're hot. However, you are not likely to encounter biscuits in a formal dining situation.


• Put your knife down when not cutting - it's not a pointer or (gasp!) a fork. Place it across the top of your plate when not in use - if you never use it, leave it on the table.


• Once a piece of flatware is used, do not put it on the table. (Remember this when dining at someone's home - the person who launders the tablecloth will thank you. If dining in a casual restaurant you may have to break this rule - don't you hate it when the wait person says, "keep your fork"?)


• It's correct to drink from a soup bowl. However, if you're on an interview and you think the recruiter doesn't know this rule - stick to the spoon!


• If you need to leave the table simply say "please excuse me" and put your napkin in your chair. In many nice restaurants, the wait staff will refold your napkin and place it on the back of your chair. (People often ask what they should do if there is a big blob of food in their napkin - in this case you have a bigger problem . . . watch for future posts about inedible items.)


• Do not talk while eating (your Mother was right!). Try eating in front of a mirror and you'll see how unappealing this is. As a side note: 'talking with your mouth full' is often at the top of the list of reasons not to have a second date/turn-offs on first dates on dating surveys.


• It's okay to put your elbows on the table between courses (your Mother was wrong!?) While actively eating, however, it's still not a good idea.


• Cut one bite of meat at a time. Only toddlers whose mommies are cutting their food should have a plateful of bite-sized meat.

Stay tuned for more dining etiquette discussions.

To close, now that our kitchen garden is totally surrounded by plastic poultry mesh (formerly not plastic and known as chicken wire), the peppers are taking off, last night we had them on pizza and in salads - yum! They taste great, but are all slightly wonky - perhaps from the early summer deer trauma? Hope your garden is thriving . . .

5 Etiquette Questions That Can Be Answered 'Yes'*

1. Is it rude to ask a friend how much she paid for something?
   


2. When dining in a restaurant, is it rude to make or take a phone call at the table?
   


3. Is it rude to end a relationship with a text message?
   


4. Should you excuse yourself from the dinner table to blow your nose?
   


5. Is it okay to tip your soup plate (or soup bowl) to access the last bit of soup?

*There are exceptions to all rules and in a few isolated cases these questions may be answered with a 'No' or 'Maybe'. Generally, these exceptions involve emergencies, crazy people, close friends/relatives, or all of the above.

Why Do We Love Monograms?

Perhaps because they're traditional yet modern - and, let's not forget, profoundly personal. Today I want to talk a bit about the Couple Monogram. A couple monogram is a single monogram, usually consisting of three letters, that combines the initials of a husband and wife. (Sorry, but the couple monogram is technically used only by those who are married.)

Last week someone asked me a very simple question: for a couple's monogram, whose initial goes first? The answer is not as simple as the question - the rules for monograms have gone out the window and basically whatever you want to do is okay. Traditionally the husband's first initial was on the left, the shared surname initial in the center, and the wife's first initial on the right. Today, however, the norm is to put the wife's initial first. If there is not a single, shared surname you can place all four or five initials in the order that you choose. (I have actually seen a monogram that included the husband's first and last initials plus the wife's first and hyphenated maiden surname last initials! Wow, it was busy and confusing; perhaps we need a rule about this . . .) The only real rule though is that a couple should not use their couple's monogram until they are married. So, the earliest you could use it would be . . . ? If you said at the wedding reception, you are correct!

The good news for anyone looking for a great item that features a couple's monogram is that there are loads of cute items available. Here are a few of my favorites:

How happy would a couple be to receive these melamine plates from Neiman Marcus?

Or any of the great monogrammed items from Williams Sonoma, like these colorful glasses or a set of steak knives or even a branding iron to mark your steaks as they sizzle on the grill!

Or this framed monogram (that can include names, date, and occasion) from American Stationery? They also have lovely monogrammed coasters and tumblers. A word of warning about the tumblers, though. Once you see them, you're sure to want some for your next party or picnic!

Now you're ready to purchase the perfect shower, wedding, housewarming, or anniversary gift. Or maybe something for you and the person who's the other half of your couple's monogram!

Etiquette Question of the Week: Thank-You Note Stationery

Thank-you notes are often a great source of stress - and they should not be! Unless you're dealing with a wedding or death, the modern rules are fairly relaxed. The only real rule is to send a thank-you promptly. People often ask about the type of stationery that's appropriate to use for a thank-you note. There used to be an unwritten rule about note cards with the words 'thank you' printed on them - these were considered tacky. (Actually there was a bit of a snob factor with this issue which we won't delve into now . . .) The key for us today is that this 'rule' no longer applies (again, the exception being very formal situations where you would use your own stationery - typically with your initials or monogram). After all, Crane makes many styles of cards with 'thank you' printed on them and they are the final word in stationery etiquette. (Their Blue Book is a must for any etiquette library!)

So, choose stationery that fits your personality, mood, and budget - with or without the words 'thank you' on the front. Fold-over cards are more suitable than flat, correspondence cards and this leaves you with so many great choices. Stock up on cute cards when they're on sale and you'll be ready to send a timely thank-you in style. As for me, I'm off to buy some adorable note cards I saw on sale earlier this week . . .

Etiquette Question of the Week

How many monograms are too many?

Twice recently I've been asked if it's possible to have too many monogrammed items. This is a really interesting question. I love monograms - and can you ever have too much of a good thing? This is not really a good manners vs. bad manners issue - it's not rude to have monograms on everything you own. Perhaps, though, a bit of moderation is in order. After all, one monogrammed pillow on a bed makes a much bigger impact than a roomful of monograms all competing for your attention. What are your favorite monogrammed things?

I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks

Shakespeare said it best, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't say it as well. I'm talking about the most basic of etiquette elements: The Thank-You Note.

If Death is the great Equalizer, the Thank-You Note can be the great Differentiator. On the social front you may not need to stand out from the crowd. Is it worth the extra effort to be the bride who sent notes within a week of each shower? Or to have great-aunt Sally tell your grandmother that you write the nicest thank-you notes? (The assumption is that you will undoubtedly send a thank-you; the extra effort refers to the promptness and quality of the note!) On the business front, however, standing out from the crowd is what it's all about.

A well-written note after an interview might well be what takes you to the top of the candidate list. It brings you to the mind of the interviewer(s) again and demonstrates that you are the type of professional who will be an asset to their organization. There are many other business situations when a brief thank-you is required, in the interest of time I will not attempt to list them here. The point is to send them and to do it promptly.

Stay tuned in the coming weeks for tips on writing the perfect thank-you note . . .